All of my trying, we still end up dying. How could it be.

The Lake was fun :)

Missed one thing though. Dominique.

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best

Class wasn't a drag today, but I made it like that. I put myself into that negative attitude. My back was in pain and I wanted to cry when Mr.Snow said he wasn't going to be with us next semester. Ugh. I am comfortable with him. Wow. Someone new, I am going to have to adapt to everything that they do. Ughhh. let me shut-up, I should be a big girl and deal with this. But I can't. When he told me that, I wanted to PUKE. I wanted to throw up my stomach! I'm going to have to get past this. I hope we get someone good. Not someone old. I don't want a KNOW-IT-ALL either. I'd die.



.....................................................................................




I'm hungry. Melanie's and my cupcakes were a good thing ! Got alot of compliments. :)

I can't blog right now. My head is going to pop open. I don't want to work tonight.

My mind is beyond the point of return. My heart is saying one thing but my head is leading me somewhere else.

a fistful of glitterr :)

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is. :)

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?
It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?




Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?


I so seriously wish I was that person that looked fear in the face. I can't do it. I think that is the scary part. I want to make that jump. That leap of faith. But I am being tied down by something or someone. Mary Beth you helped me who realize who that someone was. It was me. I hold myself back, because I am afraid of what I will feel for anything or anyone. I want to feel so much and recieve so much, but I keep focusing on giving so much. I wish I had the strength that this song does. I've never been touched so gentley that I cried. I want to FEEL that. Is that bad, that I want to feel all of this. I don't want to do something I shouldn't. But this is all new to me. I'm finding myself amist the ashes and fire. And I like the tingling feeling I get from being burned and hurt. But to be loved, that is a whole new feelings. A different circumstance. A new way. A road that I take, but the path is scary, because their are bumps and turns along the way.

I've never closed my eyes and just trusted. I wish that was possible with me. I wish I look someone in the eye and say, " I trust you, take care of me." I can't. All the things that have happened. All the misunderstandings and miscommunications along the line are holding me back. I wish I could WAKE UP one morning and feel and know love. Scary, I know. But for me it's terrifying. I know that God loves me and maybe that is all that should matter.

Your not a judge, but if you going to judge sentence me to another life :)

So i'm at a birthday/cookout/party :) write more about this later..

My song :)

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious, if you have to ask me why
I say goodbye...

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
You're worth the price
The price that I would pay

Well everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
You're worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway...

Ooh...

I've come to find,
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
You're worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway...

And I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear...

Trust me, I know how hard it is to lose people you cared about.

"Sometimes you strike out before you make a home run. The only thing you can do is stay in the game."

-Elizabeth Parsons


SO, yesterday I opened up to a friend. I don't open up on a daily basis, so this surprised me. But I had to get so much off my chest. Before I exploded. So I sent my friend E a e-mail. Because I know if I didn't. I would have flipped out over the course of the next few days. Gosh, Do I want to post the email up on this blog, but it would hurt people and I'm not into blogging to hurt people. Not my deal, okay? Maybe some other folks will. But that's them and their attitude.

The e-mail took forever to write, because I started writing about everything that happen in these situations. And I think the thing was, that I was scared that no one would understand me or criticize me for the way I feel. & I can't go for that anymore. It's hard as heck.

E undersood completely where I am coming from, I wish I could post her e-mail on here, too. But I'm glad that I can keep it between just her & I and not worry about the drama for posting an e-mail, from the people who read my blog.

After, E & I texted and I told her that I will do something that I am kinda scared of. I deleted and blocked a few numbers, emails, facebooks , and whatnots. The people won't realize and the thing is I don't care about what the think about me anymore. I got God, Family, The few friends I love, & Dom. So life won't be that hard.

Thanks E! For helping me get this off my chest and helping move on from the people that I've been allowing to drag me down. :)

Mid-term [ARE YOU SERIOUS!?]

SO this morning I was in a complete RUSH to get to school. Late, and not feeling that great. Didn't eat dinner last night, so I was all in a basket! And it was not good at all :/

I'm in the car, not feeling all to well. And thinking well my teacher may or may not be their. But who knows. Well when I got into school I ran into my program director, and ask him some questions, " What if you have a deaf client? & Are you really going to get me some volunteer work?" And then I asked the ultimate question, "is my english teacher here?" He said he didn't get an email on why she wouldn't be. So I was like okay, yay she's here after not being here for a couple of days. Time to turn in some work. Man, was I WRONG!

She wasn't there, and she sent an email to someone about taking a mid-term. WHAT THE HECK?! Oh you know, I was not happy. How could you have not been there and expected us to take one, after you haven't been there to review? Please, tell me I heard the SUB wrong. No, I didn't. But once I heard that, I took out my phone and emailed my program director and said, I need to see you ASAP! Which I needed to or I was going to lose my mind. Literally :X

He told me to take the test, and not worry about the grade, that calmed me down somewhat. But not that much. But soon after that, I spoke to the SUB and told him that I didn't want to take the test, because it was UNPROFESSIONAL for my teacher to not show up & give me a test. So he didn't give it out and he dismissed the class.

I went to see my program director and showed him the email. & he said he talk to the program director for business. So I'm happy. Thanks!

Now, I'm seating in the library, while Rach is sitting next to me reading my blog while i'm making a new post.

Done.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I absolutely love the title of this blog, it's by Mae West. She was an absolutely gorgeous bombshell :)



My weekend was great ! :) Worked on friday, then saw Mary Beth and Mom come to my job while I was leaving. I was off to my date. Dominique was their to pick me up and we planned the perfect day. First, Mellow mushroom dwntwn. Second, the mall to look and shop around. Third, IRON MAN 2. And it all got completed in that order. Mellow mushroom was DELICIOUS! :) I loved it, plus we were down their while first friday was going on and I took this flier for the A&E Dance Studio. I'm decidind on whether or not I should take dance again or whether I should just leave it alone and not worry about it. I think I will take it again. It was NEVER that hard for me :)

Saturday was good ! John A and Michael Reese, both graduated from Augusta State University. COngrats !!! Though I didn't make it to the ceremony, I did make it to the lunch afterwards at Wild Wing. It was delicious :) I had hot wings and fries. Their fries were huge. We ate with Mom, Mary Beth, Lacey, Laurel, Michael & his parents , Melanie and Aiden, & Mary Beth's parents. We had alot of FUN! Then I went to Kmart, while my mom had her meeting with Roger. I picked out six bathing suits, but I decided on this pretty red and white striped bikini :) Yeah, my body is ready for a bikini. :) I've been working hard with my pilates and yoga and bootylicious workouts ondemand. Heck yeah, I made it :) Lost some weight in the process too !

Sunday was church and MOTHER'S DAY! I had nursery ! WE only had chancelor, haleigh, and landon in their for a bit. Then church was over and mom and I went to wal-green's for some last minute gifts for people. After that I was off to Dominique's to give his mom her gifts. I gave my mom her gifts on saturday night. I got his mom this candle thing, a card, candles and some chocolate. It made her happy. So that was REALLY GOOD! :) Then I went to Barnes & Noble to type my paper for English and EDU. It was easy as heck :)

Well class is about to start. Bye.

" When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. "

*Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.

*Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better.

*You've got to get up every morning with determination if you're going to go to bed with satisfaction.

*When words fail; music speaks.

*Life isn't always easy, it's full of tough decisions and heartache,
and things don't always work out the way we hoped.
life just doesn't come with guarantees. and while it's true that sometimes,
by avoiding taking a chance on people, we can avoid some heartache,
we might also miss out on the best times of our life. don't be afraid to love.

*No matter how far you go down the wrong road, you can always turn back.


These quotes can seriously give me and maybe some other folks a boost. You can't just give up on everyone even though at times it is hard to keep going and completely unfair. I know that. & I don't like it but I do, do it. I keep trying to maintain that positive outlook on life, because what I put forth is what I am going to get out of the situation. Life is a piece of chocolate like Forrest Gump's mother told him, it will always depend on which piece of chocolate you choose. And trying to find the right piece of chocolate in the container is hard if you have no idea for what you are looking for. Life can be an easy road or it can be road that you have a hard time paying attention to. Life calls out for you to pay attention, if not then you will go the wrong way with you life & that will be a life that is ruined. No offense to anyone, but I do know some people who think their not worthy of having a positive outlook on life. What I want to say to them is get over it, life isn't easy. It's as HARD as YOU make It. Get it?! Maybe you will understand now. Your throwing your life away by saying, I can't be positive, YES you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. And it is SO annoying to hear someone put theirself down. It's like SHUTUP already. WE know you suck, because you keep telling us that you do. So stop it. If you want your life to suck, then it will. And also another pet peve of mind is people that don't think they are worthy enough for anything. Alright, your good enough to do whatever you want. & your the one that is kind of stupid enough to think that you are not good enough. I mean seriously grow some and grow up. Your mom is NOT always going to be around to say, " Awe, you can do it, your good enough!" Nope she isn't. So come on now people.

That's All I have to say today.

Everybody talk and everybody listen, but somehow it's always the truth that comes up missing.

"& Sometimes you just got to throw the gloves in and say, I'm done."

I'm not going to text anyone anymore. They have my number and they can text me. It's annoying, but true. Because then I hate getting that text, " I miss you" or "Why don't we talk anymore like we use to?" Hmm, well I don't know I think it is because we both have lives and mine doesn't revolve around yours. I will probably ignore alot of text MSGS now. Don't say that "Oh we should hang out soon" Because once you make plans with me, I'm not going to bail out, most likely in the situation someone else is going to bail out. I'm not going to put my all into it unless I know that you are. It's stupid, why should I put in 100% and you only throw in 50% of yourself. The math doesn't add up, does it?! Nope. You may say that I am being a mean person for this, but I'm not I'm standing up for myself.


Happiness; is something you have to find, not me for you. I can't fix every problem, nor do I want to hear every single thing that goes wrong in your day. It's pointless.I can't be their every single day. It's annoying. And you wouldn't know because it doesn't happen to you. Get it?! Nah, when people read this, their going to say, "She is such a B- for writing this!" Nope, I'm not. Sometimes you got to stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it. So I'm not giving up, but I'm definitely not giving in. I can't do it. I can't have everything on me in a friendship. And I wouldn't put everything on the person who is in the friendship with me. Not fair.


Finished.